Dreams on the Side

 

Last week, I stumbled on an old video I’d made. I clicked play, not remembering exactly what it was and suddenly, a whole ME I had forgotten was there!

Back then, I had this little initiative called Dreams on the Side. It was based on a belief I still hold, that you don’t have to drop everything and "go big or go home" for a dream to matter.
The world loves stories about people who go all in—quit their jobs, sell everything, chase the dream at any cost. But I’ve always thought there was another way. A gentler way. A way where you could keep your job, pay the bills, raise your kids, and still have a dream. On the side. And those side dreams could do and be just as much for you, as the so called, "big ones."

At the time, I created a Facebook group. I wrote some posts. I built a little following, over 9,000 people, apparently! And then? I completely forgot it existed. Until last week when I saw that video.

In the video I was explaining that I had what felt like an epiphany. It was just after my 60th birthday. A friend had lost her mom and wrote, “I only had 55 years with her, and it wasn’t enough.” That line landed in my heart like a rock.

Jess was 15 at the time. And I remember thinking, "If she’s going to have 55 years with me, I’d have to live to be 100. And even that might not feel like enough." So if I can’t guarantee time, I’d better make the most of what I do have. I thought maybe I’d start exercising more, taking better care of myself, doing all the “live longer” things. But mostly, I knew I wanted to live better.

And here’s another thing, when I watched that old video, I recognized myself BUT I also didn’t. It was still me. My voice. My ideas. My enthusiasm. But I felt how much has changed. How much I have changed.

Jess's death has carved something into me I can’t fully explain. It’s visible in the silence between my words now. There’s something in me that wasn’t there before. A weight. A clarity. A sense that time is too precious to spend on things that don’t matter.

AND then there is that number: 55.

I don’t get to play for 55 years with Jess. I don’t even get close. And that reality cuts through everything. I would’ve treasured every single one of those years. Now, I’m learning how to live inside the space where they were supposed to be.

I believed in the concept of Dreams on the Side before, but I wasn't particularly good at living them. I used to be all-in on everything. Eager. Wide-eyed. Willing to put up with a lot of nonsense. But now? I’m more careful with my energy. I only want to do things that bring joy, offer kindness, or make some kind of difference.

Maybe Dreams on the Side was ahead of its time for me. Maybe now, after everything, I’m finally ready to try some "on the side" style dreams!

P.S. I'll put the link to the video I mention in a comment below. In it I am explaining why I am back "working on my dreams again." LOL apparently this forgetting and remembering is a thing for me. 

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/16JYAUJqEG/