My Charmed Life

 It's funny; when I was young, I used to say, "I lead a charmed life." I operated as if everything was and is always going to work out. I honestly had no memories of bad things. One of my friends even offered "I'll hold your grudges" for me because I was incapable of holding them myself.

In this "charmed life," everything always worked out for the best. 

I once had a business partner and friend shut down our business and steal my car while I was out of state at a wedding. It was insanely disorienting, and I really couldn't believe it. 

Even after all that, I found myself going by her old house hoping for some explanation. What I found instead was her abandoned cat.

Spot, a charismatic dog-like cat who played fetch, ended up living with me for 14 more years. I used to joke he was my $10,000 cat, and honestly, he was worth every cent.

I learned later, from a mutual friend, about a dangerous ex-boyfriend who had reappeared, which offered some solace, but this info was paired with "Oh, she stole from me once too." 

All this craziness netted my need for a roommate who, in addition to paying rent and never staying at the house, found me a job. (He ended up homeless after breaking up with his last girlfriend and was renting from me until he was sure that wouldn't happen this time.) His current girlfriend worked at this start-up Teleconferencing company, and that random connection ended up leading me to a 15-year career in the industry. 

Once again, everything worked out for the best.

When everything fell apart after 9/11, I shook things up and took a job across the country in San Francisco (many twists and turns omitted for brevity lol), where I ultimately met Rob and began the best years of my life.

Once again, everything worked out for the best.

Becoming a stay-at-home mom to our Jessica was the clearest and most powerful proof of my so-called charmed life. I got to witness her entire world unfold from the front row. I got to play with her, encourage her, love her, and delight in her quips and her curious mind. I got to fall in love with the world as she saw it; quirky, just, colorful, full of possibility. I got to watch her become one of the kindest, most creative souls I’ve ever known.

And now we are here, a life without Jess, and I am really having a hard time figuring out how my charmed life is going to have this "work out for the best." 

I spend time imagining that "all will be revealed" when we meet again in the next life. I am confident that, cosmically, our story is not over yet. AND I am still here to finish living this “charmed life.”

I am starting to believe that the privilege that allowed me to forget that bad things happened to me is no longer useful for me or this planet. I was oblivious to my own pain and subsequently the true pain of others.

Since Jess's passing, I have been able to see and feel so much despair and sadness that previously had gone unnoticed. 

I don’t know anymore if things always work out for the best. I’m not sure that phrase even fits in the world I live in now. What I do know is that love and grief change you. 

The old version of my charmed life is gone. What remains is something quieter. Perhaps it is a place to stand. To notice. To create something new, not in spite of the sorrow, but shaped honestly by it. I don’t know what this next part of the journey holds, or who I’ll become along the way. But I’m here, paying attention, trying things, and I’ll keep you posted.