Unjust Suffering

 "Given the amount of unjust suffering and unhappiness in the world, I am deeply grateful for, sometimes even perplexed by, how much misery I have been spared." ~Dennis Prage

I have been thinking about this quote and it popped up in my memories today. I have shared it often because its truth always spoke to me, and for 61 years I could always immediately say, "So true!" Now, with the gut punch of Jess's death, it took a little bit of the wind out of me.

My first reaction was bitter, "Well, I guess that isn’t true anymore..." and "The universe is laughing now!" 60+ years of easy charmed living smashed in a heartbeat. 

Upon further reflection, it becomes clear that two things can be true at the same time. I can be grateful for all the good in my life and still feel shattered by our girl's death. Jess isn’t here but I still live in one of the most beautiful places on the planet. I don't get to see who Jess was going to become but I am surrounded by her friends who will show me how far her light can ripple just because they knew her. I won't know a future with her but I do have a rich history of wonderful shared times to enjoy forever.

I also recognize the privilege I have to sit with my grief, to process this loss without the immediate demands of a job, young children, or survival in chaotic circumstances. This time allows me to feel the depth of my pain and reflect on Jess’s life in ways many others cannot.

So many in this world face unimaginable suffering—families torn apart by war, people living in poverty I can’t even fathom, parents grieving while also battling illness or isolation. Others who have lost children don’t have the support of a loving partner to help them find their way. Some live with regrets that gnaw at their sanity.

This isn’t a pollyanna post. I am in no way ok with my daughter’s death. She was robbed, we were robbed, and the anger and sadness are always just under the surface. I break into tears multiple times a day as the grief has its way with me AND I can still say that in the grand scheme of things, I have still been spared a whole heck of a lot.