What helps

Yesterday, we received a note from a friend who said they had been trying to write us for weeks and told us three charming stories about Jess. It was wonderful. 

It was wonderful for many reasons.First, it was filled with love—love for Jess and love for us. The stories were shared with warmth, and they reminded us how deeply she touched the lives of others.

Second, it was unexpected. We received countless notes, cards, and messages in those early days after Jess's passing. Each one was a treasure that carried us through that difficult time. However, as the weeks and months go by, the letters come less often, which is only natural as life moves forward. Receiving this one now, months later, is a real treat—a reminder that she remains in people's hearts and minds.

Third, it was wonderful for the stories it told. We so love hearing things we did not know about our girl.  We are clear that she loved and was loved, but hearing small details about her is particularly special. We will never tire of this.

This is what we need most now—not sympathy, but stories that celebrate who she was and keep her present. We’ve had plenty of “I’m so sorry,” and while those words were meaningful in their time, they no longer help us. Sympathy, though kind, often keeps us anchored in the pain of her loss, acknowledging the grief but leaving us stuck there. The truth is, there will never be a day when losing Jess doesn’t hurt. That pain is a part of us now, woven into the fabric of our lives. But revisiting “I’m sorry” over and over doesn’t help us stay connected to her in the vibrant, living way that sharing her stories does.

Now Jess lives in our speaking. If you heard Rob’s speech at her Celebration of Life, you know that we’re not afraid to speak her name. We encourage it. “The J word” is not something to tiptoe around—it’s something we celebrate. We talk about her often, laughing at her quirks, like her aversion to tomatoes or the silly things she used to do. 

The stories and memories you share about Jess keep her spirit alive for us in the most meaningful ways; we want you all to keep them coming! Whether it’s next week, next year, or decades from now, we hope you’ll continue to share. It doesn’t matter if you knew her personally or only heard about her from others—if something reminds you of her, if her story inspires you, or if you recall one of her funny quirks, please don’t keep it to yourself. Each story or memory is a thread that keeps her woven into our lives, and knowing she still touches others, even from afar, gives us a sense of peace and joy amidst the grief.

We understand the instinct to “move on” from sadness, but for those of us grieving, that’s not how it works. Jess will always be a part of our lives, and there’s no putting that behind us. What helps us most isn’t avoiding the sadness but keeping her memory alive through conversation and connection. The greatest gift you can give anyone who’s lost someone is to keep speaking their name, to keep sharing stories, and to remind us that they are still loved and remembered.

(If you have a fun memory or Jess inspiration to share, add a comment here to spread her story!)